This is a common phenomenon that most of us have heard or experienced. It can be when somebody we have cherished in our heart for long with love did not feel the same for us or someone for whom our heart skipped beats but the heart never supported us with courage to expressto the person and we lose them to someone else. Or it could even be that we have been seeing them for long and things got sore and you parted ways not necessarily because you don't want the relationship but your partner wants off it. All of these finally lands us into this emotional turmoil of an inexplicable pain, despair, anguish, neverending agony.
As a therapist I have been there and provided support to numerous people who have been through this process. The most important aspect that we need to understand is that “this too will pass” and there is no permanency for joy or grief. Why we experience heartbreaks is because it is a loss and we are grieving the loss of the relationship. Unlike the loss in death, here the loss is due to the choice of both or either one individual so we experience a greater guilt or blame the other for the broken promise and the heart ache. So we go through denial- inability to accept this, we hope against the hope wishing that it's all a bad dream and that we will wake up and things will be fine.It's a tough phase oscillating between the despair of reality and the relief we find in wishful thinking. Then we move on to anger; a whole lot of negativity comes, we hate ourselves and hate the person who inflicted it. We might even plot ways to take revenge or have a rebound relationship to make the other jealous; what not? But then again, we move to the next stage. Bargain we try calling them, trying to resolve, ask pardon either in actuality or in our mind but our mind pushes us back and forth with our decisions. Then we may get into depression (not necessarily meeting the diagnosis) with a sense of unending gloom and despair finally before reaching to the acceptance-coming into terms with the loss. Then we get over it although some memories haunt but it wouldn't hurt as much. There is no requirement that we pass through these stages one after the other we can further oscillate between progress and going back as we are all unique individuals possessing very different ways of coping.
I remember once a client of mine was shattered after a heartbreak he vouched saying he will never be able to get over, never will he be able to love. I tried to remind him that time is the best healer and that the problems of yesterday will lose having the same effect as it did yesterday. In few months he found his own words funny. We are all wired to move on precisely because we have many more aspects that happen in our life and every challenge just pushes us with capacity to deal with greater problems. So trust me, I've been there and seen many be there.We move on-willingly or unwillingly.
Few tips to fix us in course of heartbreaks.
- Out of sight out of mind, out of mind out of the heart. So keepingyourself engaged,occupied in a productive activity helps. So it is essential till a point of time to avoid conversation (it is OK to vent your sorrow but get done with it, don't go on and on) that would trigger your memory.
- Also the time that you would otherwise spend in the relationship, invest that on yourself. A new hobby, some activity you have been postponing, go ahead and pamper and take care of yourself.
- Give yourself time and be easy on yourself because no matter who is there for you or not, you gotta be for yourself. It is human to experience pain.
- Keep the good memories and make conscious efforts to nurture the good parts, learn from the errors and grow with the opportunity.Remember, getting over a pain makes us stronger and ready for the next level.Keep away self-blame and guilt. Relationships involve two individuals, we can never predict if two complex and unique individuals can create a perfect chemistry. So let it be! It's OK if things don't work out. Let's keep hoping for a better tomorrow.
- Always remember- be happy with yourself. The idea of another person completing you is debatable. I feel if you cannot be happy withyourself it would be even harder with another.
So remember as the saying goes this too will pass, don't try and control everything and attempt to add certainty to life, let go try and take life as it comes and be happy.