It’s another day; supposed to be a fresh day, however it just seems like yesterday. I get up 5 minutes early & finish everything I do in the morning. Get dressed in a hurry & announce that I am ready.” Not again”, mutters Lila under her breath. Do you have to wear that pink striped top of yours! I just stare back at her. We keep going because we are already 5 minutes late as usual.
Lila is not wrong in her irritation. This top I bought, before a year somehow has become my identity. I keep wearing it compulsively on most of the days. As for now, whole world has noticed it, at least my world has. It is not that I being a post graduate student lack a wardrobe. I do have a pretty elaborate one; stacked up with loads and loads of blues, greens, reds, blacks & oranges. However I cannot say I am truly acquainted with all of them. They are all in my wardrobe, mine in technical sense, but not really. I bought 3 other dresses the day I bought this top, with equal enthusiasm for all of them. When I was trying them at home, the red one looked really terrific. I was not ready to own it. I thought I will save it for a special day. Green one needed a lot of maintenance. Then I tried this pink stripes. It was neither fashionable nor standing out but just comfortable & low maintenance. Eye balls didn't turn when I wore it. Then, it became me; with I, not realizing it, until the world started noticing.
Lila says that “I wear that top so often because I want to show only one side of me to the world”. May be she is right. I don’t know. It just feels like a part of an unbroken chain I have been making every other day. What people call a fresh day, I just add one more link to the chain. Now, that I am 21, the chains longer in size than what it was when I was 16, but similar all the way. May be over the time I get to paint the links here and there and add to the chain so that the chain looks colourful, satisfying…different.
I think about my life before I bought this dress. Was I any different then? Answer is Yes and No. There was another grey casual which was my identity, till it made itself redundant by wearing out. Before that, there was another black one & the green one. It’s not that I don’t want to look pretty or glamorous. When I buy those dresses I have all the intention to wear them & look as good as possible however not many leave the wardrobe, even for the first time. Lila says that I being a grown up should behave like one & start exploring with all these dresses; I own, before buying new ones. I want to, but I don’t know where to start & how it will be received by the world. I have an image in the world & a reputation to keep. I cannot forsake that. I will just do what I can, which is to keep all those colourful dresses just to myself; just like my thoughts, emotions & dreams, at least till the wardrobe overflows.
I realize that some of these dresses, I want to hide in very back, so that even I do not come across them again. I do not remember buying them anyways. May be they came from nowhere. May be they were the gifted ones. All my avoiding hasn't yet made them disappear. I guess I will have to take them out & through way. Lila is quick to notice my pink stripes however she doesn't seem to realize about her own lavender suit. I guess it’s not her fault. After all she can see me more than she can see herself. May be she should pay attention to what she sees in mirror as well.
I wonder if there would be a day when I meet those special people. The people who would love me irrespective of what I am wearing. Those people, who would not bother about how short my dress is or how tacky the shoes are. Wait a minute; doesn't that special people I am thinking about include me in it..?? Have I accepted myself when it comes to rest of the wardrobe? If pink stripes is me, isn't the black dots also me..?? If I can wear black dots with as much ease as I wear the pink stripes, people will eventually see black dots also as me. At least I can try.
I know It’s uncomfortable to take out all those dresses in the wardrobe, try them on me & accept the way I look in them. It needs lot of patience & perseverance. However isn't that the only way to break the chain? I need not just change the colour of the links called days, but make those links in all shapes & sizes. Don’t I want to make so many things other than a chain which I am making so far, from those links of my Life..?? The chain need not just look different but it can be different, for that matter it need not be a chain at all. People are not born special however they can become special. Can’t they? Let me start with it today. How about trying that odd looking orange dress in the very corner of the wardrobe for today.? I am on it!