What most parents do wrong and why punishment is NOT good
Punishment, scolding and beating are considered a ‘norm’ of parenting across all cultures and societies. Psychologists have been extensively investigating styles of parenting since last few decades. Dilemmas about right kind of parenting style occupy almost every parent. Whoever is concerned about their child’s behaviors, their bad habits and specially their studies, feels the need to get some guidance about ‘changing’ their children. However, after several failed attempts, few parents get to understand where might be going wrong. Psychologists have put the greater responsibility in child rearing over parents and have devised various ‘solutions’ to change a child’s behaviors. Much of these solutions come from the field of behavior theory, pioneered by Skinner. These solutions come in the form of techniques based on principles of learning. Once you apply a technique successfully and the child’s behavior would start changing.
Though psychologists and behavior therapists have stressed the importance of modifying child’s behavior in a desirable direction at parent’s will, many parents still find themselves disheartened and disappointed at their failures in getting the child they want. Much of what behavior therapists suggest seems tried and tested by parents. Apart from the successes and failures of behavior modification techniques, the parents find it difficult to change their child. On the other hand, modern parenting experts, advocates of often so-called ‘positive parenting’, see a different side of good parenting. They dictate the failures of classical behavioral tactics and rely on establishing ‘connection’ with the children in order to make them healthy and adaptive. The focus for change is nonetheless on parents only and the responsibility is even greater on parents in this case. In classical behavior therapy, if the parent had to make changes in their responses towards the child on the basis of behavior theory, the object of change was child and his/her behaviors. The child was considered objective, and there was less burden on parents to make any changes in their emotionality. But in the case for being a ‘positive parent’, the burden is greater on parents, because they have to transform themselves and heal themselves, emotionally and behaviorally, in order to bring a change in their children. The focus of change is relationship with the child, and not just disturbing or difficult behaviors of the child.
Quite popular these days on Indian social media (facebook, whatsapp) is a video of a mother teaching her child about numbers and counting. Below you can find that video. Not surprizing, this happens in every home in India and abroad where there are young, small children. Whatever the intentions of the mother would be in filming the video, she doesn’t seem to be aware of her wrong parenting styles and reactions.
After viewing this video, many parents would be realizing how painful it is for the child to learn under such pressures that the above child is experiencing. Most parents also teach in similar ways to their children, if not always but sometimes atleast. One can see the traumatic impacts such strict, punishing and yelling behaviors from parents have on the child. We need to understand some different aspects of parenting to resolve common parenting challenges. Parenting is a collective term, which implies that several reactions of parents towards varied behaviors of children make up the art of parenting. A parent may be good in few aspects, but flawed in others. We may see many productive reactions from parents towards their children, but few bad reactions may cause various disturbances in the child. So this art of parenting should be thought of from various perspectives and requires serious deliberate attempts by parents to yield healthy children. Most commonly, parents overlook certain harmful reactions made by them to children which may have serious consequences in the long run. The result is that bad parenting produces bad parents and the cycle goes on forever.
Schofield et al. (2012) operationalizes the following positive parenting qualities/behaviors:
Negative responses and reactions from the parent (termed as ‘parent harshness’) which need to be as few as possible:
- Anger, rejection and hostility towards child
- Coercive behavior as demanding and stubborn
- Antisocial behaviors as self-centered, immature and insensitive
Positive responses and reactions from the parent (termed as ‘parent warmth’) which should be as much as possible:
- Warmth as liking and appreciation
- Pro-social responses as cooperative and respectful
- Positively assertive as directly empathetic
According to the researchers, both of these parenting behaviors co-exist and should be displayed with less extremes of parental harshness and more extremes of parental warmth. Though parental harshness is a risk factor for maladaptive behaviors in children, but if parental warmth is low then the effects are even more destructive. Both these forms of parenting are described by authors as ‘positive parenting’ traits. The study found that positive parenting lead to higher alpha-linked traits (high agreeableness, low neuroticism, and high conscientiousness) among adolescents. These traits make them more socially competent and successful. These personality traits predict greater educational success, higher income, and competent parenting. Such individuals with higher number of these traits have lower levels of stress in the new families formed by these adolescents.
Positive parenting is transforming the concept of parenting in modern times. Parents need to understand that punishment, scolding, beating, spanking, and other forms of punishment are types of harsh parenting and contribute less to the overall healthy development of the child. These punishing behaviors may seem in the short term to be successful (sometimes though) but their long term consequences may not be healthy for the emotional and personal development of the child. Early life experiences, through parents, may remain with the child forever and alter the personality of the child to great extremes. The choice is ours, whether to convert our children into fragile glasses or clay.
Reference:
Schofield, T. J., Conger, R. D., Donnellan, M. B., Jochem, R., Widaman, K. F., & Conger, K. J. (2012). Parent Personality and Positive Parenting as Predictors of Positive Adolescent Personality Development Over Time. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly (Wayne State University. Press), 58(2), 255–283. http://doi.org/10.1353/mpq.2012.0008
You can find a more critical view of common parenting tactics (using punishment) and how positive parenting can transform parents in my related blog article: https://tvcpblog.wordpress.com/2017/08/25/normal-vs-good-parenting-monkey-study-reveals-secrets-to-raising-healthy-kids-through-positive-parenting/