When your child’s success abroad leaves an ache at home
Many Indian parents proudly say, “My son is in America” or “My daughter is settled abroad.”
The pride is real — but so is the quiet pain that often follows.
In clinical practice, this emotional experience is sometimes informally referred to as “PICA” — Parents in India, Children in America.
It is not a medical diagnosis, but a way of describing the emotional struggles many parents go through when their grown children settle overseas.
Why does this hurt so much?
Indian parenting is deeply relationship-centred. Parents invest emotionally, socially, and practically in their children, often making sacrifices with the unspoken belief that:
We will grow old together
They will be nearby when we need them
Family will always stay close
When children move abroad permanently, parents may experience a sense of loss, even though nothing “bad” has happened.
This is called ambiguous loss —
Your child is alive, well, and successful… yet emotionally and physically absent.
Common feelings parents experience
Many parents hesitate to talk about this because they fear sounding selfish or ungrateful. But these feelings are very common:
Persistent loneliness, especially at night
Feeling purposeless after children leave
Tearfulness without a clear reason
Anxiety about health emergencies
Sleep problems
Loss of interest in activities
Body pains or vague medical complaints
Irritation or sadness during video calls
Counting days until the next visit
Often parents say:
“I am happy for them, but I feel empty.”
Both feelings can coexist — pride and pain.
Why is this more intense in Indian parents?
Strong emotional bonding with children
Identity closely tied to the parenting role
Expectation of family closeness in old age
Limited peer support once children leave
Difficulty expressing emotional needs openly
Social pressure to appear “adjusted”
Unlike Western cultures, Indian parents are often not prepared emotionally for independent ageing.
When should parents seek help?
You should consider talking to a psychiatrist if you notice:
Persistent sadness lasting weeks or months
Frequent crying spells
Sleep or appetite changes
Feeling hopeless or useless
Increased health anxiety
Thoughts like “What is the point of my life now?”
Seeking help does not mean you are weak or dependent.
It means you are human.
What can parents do to cope better?
1. Acknowledge the grief
Stop telling yourself “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Your feelings are valid.
2. Redefine your role
You are no longer full-time caregivers — but you are still individuals with:
Interests
Skills
Wisdom
Social value
3. Build a routine
Loneliness worsens with empty days. Structure your time:
Morning walks
Classes or hobbies
Community involvement
Spiritual or social groups
4. Stay connected — but not dependent
Regular calls are healthy.
Constant monitoring or emotional dependence increases distress — for both parents and children.
5. Invest in peer relationships
Friends going through similar life stages provide understanding that children cannot always offer.
6. Look after your health
Mental health directly affects physical health, especially in later life.
A message for adult children
If you are reading this as a son or daughter abroad:
Your parents may not say it clearly, but they need:
Emotional reassurance
Regular, meaningful conversations
Inclusion in decisions
Respect for their feelings
Small gestures matter more than grand plans.
PICA — Parents in India, Children in America — is not an illness.
It is the emotional cost of parenting in a globalised world.
With awareness, support, and timely help, parents can move from loss to meaning, from waiting to living.
You deserve peace in this phase of life.
For appointments:
Dr. Shailaja Bandla
MBBS, MD (Psychiatry), FPM
Consultant Psychiatrist
Capital Hospitals
9441619938