There is no way to avoid conflict in your marriage. The question is: How will you deal with it?Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. We have had our share of conflict and some of our disagreements have not been pretty. We could probably write a book on what not to do!Start with two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting idiosyncrasies, throw in a bunch of expectations, and then turn up the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? You are bound to have conflict. It’s unavoidable.Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but of how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. You and your spouse must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.
Step up One: Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences. One reason we have conflict in marriage is that opposites attract. Usually a task-oriented individual marries someone who is more people-oriented. People who move through life at breakneck speed seem to end up with spouses who are slower-paced. It’s strange, but that’s part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn’t have before. But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), the attractions become repellents. You may argue over small irritations—such as how to properly squeeze a tube of toothpaste—or over major philosophical differences in handling finances or raising children. You may find that your backgrounds and your personalities are so different that you wonder how and why God placed you together in the first place.It’s important to understand these differences, and then to accept and adjust to them. We were no exception. Perhaps the biggest adjustment we faced early in our marriage grew out of our differing backgrounds. It was as though we came from two different countries with totally different traditions, heritages, habits, and values.
Step Two: Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness. All of our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed what is undoubtedly the biggest source of our conflict—our selfish, sinful nature. Maintaining harmony in marriage has been difficult since Adam and Eve. Two people beginning their marriage together and trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage. Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. We have seen the Bible’s plan work in our lives, and we’re still seeing it work. Instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our spouse as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all.To experience oneness, you must give up your will for the will of another and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your spouse.
Step Three: Resolving conflict requires pursuing the other Living peaceably means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative to resolve a difficult conflict rather than waiting for the other person to take the first step. To pursue the resolution of a conflict means setting aside your own hurt, anger, and bitterness. It means not losing heart. My challenge to you is to “keep your relationships current.” In other words, resolve that you will remain in solid fellowship daily with your spouse—as well as with your children, parents, coworkers, and friends.
Step Four: Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation. Blessed is the marriage where both spouses feel the other is a good friend who will listen, understand, and work through any problem or conflict. To do this well takes loving confrontation.Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and humility. Here are a few other tips we’ve found useful:* Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?* Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your spouse down. Approach your spouse lovingly. * Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, and setting. Don’t confront your spouse, for example, when he is tired from a hard day’s work, or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children. * Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. What’s the context of your spouse’s life right now? * Listen to your spouse. Seek to understand his or her view, and ask questions to clarify viewpoints.* Be sure you are ready to take it as well as dish it out. You may start to give your spouse some “friendly advice” and soon learn that what you are saying is not really his problem, but yours!* During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. * Focus on the problem, rather than the person. * Focus on behavior rather than character. This is the “you” message versus the “I” message again. The “I” message would say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me know you’ll be late. I would appreciate if you would call so we can make other plans.”* Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your spouse forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do.* Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn’t said.
Step Five: Resolving conflict requires forgiveness. No matter how hard two people try to love and please each other, they will fail. With failure comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing salve of forgiveness.The key to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. marriage—probably more than any other relationship—presents frequent opportunities to practice.Forgiving means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook.
Step Six: Resolving conflict requires returning a blessing for an insult. Every marriage operates on either the “Insult for Insult” or the “Blessing for Insult” relationship. Husbands and wives can become extremely proficient at trading insults—about the way he looks, the way she cooks, or the way he drives and the way she cleans house. Many couples don’t seem to know any other way to relate to each other.What does it mean to return a blessing for an insult? To give a blessing first means stepping aside or simply refusing to retaliate if your .spouse gets angry. Changing your natural tendency to lash out, fight back, or tell your spouse off is just about as easy as changing the course of the Mississippi River. It also means doing good. Sometimes doing good simply takes a few words spoken gently and kindly, or perhaps a touch, a hug, or a pat on the shoulder. It might mean making a special effort to please your spouse by performing a special act of kindness.Finally, being a blessing means seeking peace, actually pursuing it. When you eagerly seek to forgive, you are pursuing oneness, not isolation.Our hopeAs difficult as it is to work through conflict in marriage, our conflicts is to test our faith, to produce endurance, to refine us.
The advices given above are best worked with a qualified psychoanalyst and a sexologist who has experience and expertise in this field. Do no wait do your marriage to break down please seek professional intervention at the earlier stage.Dr. Sharmila Majumdar