Frustration and anger can quickly turn into defiance, disrespect, aggression, and temper tantrums if your child doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. There are several ways to teach anger management to kids so that they can regain control over their tempers. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But without appropriate anger management skills, kids struggle to express their feelings in a socially appropriate manner. Each child is different so it’s best to use the trial and error approach: teach a strategy and then watch to see how your child responds. If the strategy and your child seem to “click” then focus on that one technique by practicing it again and again until your child can use it alone. That may take some time-after all you are helping your child change a habit-so hang in there.
Here are few ways to teach your child anger management skills:
1.Differentiating Between Feelings and Behavior
Kids struggle to understand the difference between angry feelings and aggressive behavior. Teach your child to label his feelings, so he can verbalize feelings of anger, frustration, and disappointment. Try to make your child understand “It's OK to feel angry but it's not OK to hit." Help him see that he's in control of his actions when he feels angry. Sometimes, aggressive behavior stems from a variety of uncomfortable feelings, like sadness or embarrassment. Talk about feelings often and over time, your child will learn to recognize his feelings better.
2.Model Appropriate Anger Management Skills
The best way to teach your child how to deal with anger is by showing him how you deal with your emotions when you feel angry. If your child watches you lose your temper, he'll likely do the same. But, if he sees you cope with your feelings in a kinder, gentler way,he'll copy that too. Although it’s important to shield your child from many adult problems, it's healthy to show him how you handle angry feelings. It's OK to pass a comment in anger in front of your child, but do verbalize your feelings, this will teach your child to talk about his emotions too. Take responsibility for your behavior when you lose your cool in front of your child. Apologize and discuss what you should have done instead. Say, “I am sorry that you had to see me yelling today when I was extremely angry. I should have gone for a walk to cool off when I was angry instead of raising my voice.” (whether the reason was your child or anything around)
3. Develop a Feeling Vocabulary
Many kids display aggression such as kicking, screaming, hitting, biting because they simply don’t know how to express their frustrations any other way. They need an emotional vocabulary to express how they feel, and you can help your child develop one. You can use few words like: angry, upset, mad, frustrated,agitated, furious, apprehensive, tense, nervous, anxious, irritated, furious.Once your child learns emotion words, encourage him to “talk out his anger.”
4. Teach Deep Breathing With Counting
Explain the formula to your child: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do three things. First, stop and say: ‘Becalm.’ That being the first thing, then take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. Finally, count slowly to ten inside your head, from 1-10. Doing it helps you calm down and get back in control.” (Teach a younger child use DRAGON BREATHS.Blow your anger out just like a dragon!)
5. Establish Anger Rules
Most families have unofficial family rules about what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t when it comes to anger. Some families don’t mind doors being slammed and voices being raised while other families may have less tolerance for such behaviors. Create written household rules that outline your expectations. Anger rules should center around behaving respectfully toward others. Address areas such as physical aggression, name-calling, and destruction of property so that your child understands he can't throw things, break things or lash out verbally or physically when he's angry.
6. Teach Healthy Coping Skills
Children need to know appropriate ways to deal with their anger. Instead of being told, “Don’t hit your brother,” explain what he can do when he feels frustrated. Say, "Next time, use your words," or ask, "What could you do instead of hitting?" Use time-out as a tool to help your child calm down. Removing him from the situation and taking a few minutes for himself can help him calm down. Teach problem-solving skills so your child can recognize he can solve problems without resorting to aggression. Talk about ways to resolve conflict peacefully.
7. Offer Consequences When Necessary
Give your child positive consequences when he follows the anger rules and negative consequences when he breaks the rules. Positive consequences, such as a reward system or token economy system, can motivate a child to use his anger management skills when he's upset. Follow through with immediate consequences if your child becomes aggressive. Effective consequences may include time-out, loss of privileges, or paying restitution by doing extra chores or loaning a toy to the victim.
It’s normal for kids to struggle to manage their anger at times. But,with your guidance, your child's skills should improve. You should see a gradual diminished anger as your child gains self-control and applies the “anger replacer” skill.Track how often your child is practicing the technique. If you do not see a change in behavior after a few weeks or if the child’s anger intensifies, becomes more frequent, lasts longer, or becomes a safety issue for your child or others seek the help of a trained professional.