- By Ms. Shruthi Balaji Babar 

(Psychologist , The Mind Care, Chennai)

Have you ever noticed that certain things seem to repeat in your life?

You promise yourself you'll start early this time, yet somehow you're racing against a deadline again. You tell yourself you won't overthink that message, but there you are reading it for the tenth time. You decide not to seek reassurance, only to find yourself asking, "Are you sure everything is okay?"

Different situations. Different people. Yet the experience feels strangely familiar.

If this is getting a little uncomfortable to read, stay with me.

As a psychologist, I've found that many people focus on the event that keeps repeating, but rarely stop to ask whether there is a pattern underneath it.

The Brain Loves Familiarity

One of the brain's favourite things is efficiency. When it finds a response that provides relief, protection, or a sense of control, it tends to reuse it. Over time, these responses become familiar and increasingly automatic (Wood et al., 2022).

Think of it like a shortcut on a map. The more often you take the same route, the easier it becomes to follow it without thinking. Psychological patterns work in much the same way.

The catch? The brain doesn't always update old routes. A response that helped years ago may still be running today, even when it has outlived its usefulness.

Why Do Patterns Keep Returning?

Many people assume that recurring patterns continue because they work.

Often, they continue because they provide temporary relief.

Take procrastination. It is commonly mistaken for laziness, yet many people who procrastinate care deeply about doing well. Delaying the task may briefly reduce pressure, uncertainty, or self-doubt. The problem remains, but the discomfort eases for a while.

The same can happen with reassurance-seeking, emotional withdrawal, people-pleasing, or avoiding difficult conversations. The behaviour may create problems later, but in the moment it serves a purpose.

And that purpose is what keeps it alive.

A Question Worth Asking

When people notice a recurring pattern, they often ask:

                    "How do I stop doing this?"

A different question may be more useful:

                    "What is this pattern doing for me?"

At first glance, that sounds odd. Why would anyone want procrastination, overthinking, or self-doubt?

Not consciously, of course. But most recurring patterns offer something relief, protection, predictability, or a temporary escape from discomfort.

Understanding that function doesn't justify the pattern. It simply helps explain why it keeps returning.

What Repeats in Your Life?

Take a moment to think about your own life.

Perhaps you:

  • Leave things until the last minute.
  • Become distant when upset.
  • Seek reassurance repeatedly.
  • Lose motivation after the initial excitement fades.
  • Avoid difficult conversations.

Rather than judging these patterns, get curious about them. 

      How long have they been around?

      What tends to trigger them?

      What relief do they provide?

And perhaps most importantly: what purpose might they be serving?

Sometimes people spend years trying to change a pattern before they fully understand it. Yet understanding is often where change begins.

So the next time you find yourself asking, "Why does this keep happening to me?", try asking a different question: "What keeps bringing me back here?"

The answer may reveal far more than the pattern itself.

What Now After Awareness?

Once you've identified a pattern and understood the purpose it serves, another question naturally follows: What do I want to do with this information?

Notice that the question isn't whether the pattern is good or bad.

Most patterns are neither.

They simply have consequences.

Perhaps procrastination protects you from pressure in the short term, but creates stress later. Perhaps withdrawing during conflict helps you avoid uncomfortable emotions, but also creates distance in your relationships. Perhaps seeking reassurance provides comfort, but leaves you doubting your ability to trust yourself.

This is where reflection becomes important.

Ask yourself:

  • Is this pattern helping me become the person I want to be?
  • Is it helping or hurting my relationships?
  • What does it give me?
  • What does it cost me?
  • If I continue this pattern for the next five years, where is it likely to take me?

There is no need to rush towards changing anything. Sometimes the most important realisation is simply recognising that every pattern involves a trade-off.

The question is whether that trade-off is still worth it.

Because patterns often begin as solutions. The real reflection is whether they are still solving the problem they were created to solve or whether they have quietly become part of the problem themselves.

And perhaps that is the question to sit with:

Now that I can see the pattern clearly, do I want to keep choosing it?

References

Bouton, M. E. (2021). Learning and Behavior, 49(4), 349–362.

Wood, W., Mazar, A., & Neal, D. T. (2022). Perspectives on Psychological Science, 17(2), 590–605.