We fight. You chop off my finger and I chop off your hand. Who won? Some may say that I won because I inflicted greater loss on you. Yet the truth is that both have lost. We could have known such a possibility earlier and avoided the fight. But, something often prevents us from the ‘win-win’ way of conflict resolution and makes us embrace the ‘lose-lose’ positions instead. In such conflict management styles, the urge for reconciliation is often a major missing link.
Reconciliation is a psychological process of restoring friendly relations after conflict, and rebuilding trust between the conflicting individuals or groups. Yet, many people see reconciliation as admitting defeat or guilt. Initiating a process of reconciliation is often perceived as a sign of weakness. And who wants to be seen as weak?
Another factor that prevents reconciliation attempts in life is the fear of being hurt again. What if the current act of reconciliation leads to another situation of hurt? Or what if the reconciliation attempt leads to humiliation and rejection? When hurt in a conflict and its pain is not dealt with in a sensible way, bitterness in mind hardens into anger. The result in such a situation is the thinning away of empathy and the ability to view things from the other person’s point of view. As a result of all that, what people ruminate in such situations would often be the picture of being abused in the relationship rather than of the worth-cherishing positive times together.
The Freudian ‘defence mechanisms’ of psychology often play up in the aggrieved person in a conflict as a consequence of which reconciliation does not appear to be an option worth considering. In that, “I am less at fault” is the position many people take while rejecting reconciliation.
Many who fail to see reconciliation as a tool to reduce the hurt characteristically have lesser emotional intelligence (EI). Their often unpleasant early-life experiences too prevent them from managing their anger, shame, regret, jealousy etc. rationally. They habitually fail in generating dialogues. Those who revel in being powerful and strong, will interpret reconciliation as giving up their supremacy and control.
The people who failed to outgrow the early life negative influences of family or friends may fail to change their adverse outlook towards relationship management. Many such things result in the drying up of communication, and as a result they end up building and strengthening emotional walls. Sometimes, it may even be the unresolved inner conflicts of guilt, shame or inability to forgive that prevent people from seeking reconciliation.
Factors like emotional maturity and self-awareness often help in building the ground for reconciliatory approaches in conflicts. A lot can be achieved in managing mutual disappointments with the willingness to accept the other person as what he / she is. Viewing peace in life as more important than the need to win is another way to overcome bitterness in conflicts. A simple acknowledgment like “maybe I was wrong” or “I think I hurt you” can rebuild a damaged relationship into a sustainable one much faster.
The need is not to agree with the other person blindly, but to attempt to understand him / her. However, a mind clouded with self-damaging beliefs fails to do that objectively. Forgiveness needs to be acknowledged as the reflection of a stable mind and not as a sign of weakness. On the other hand, understanding revenge as a double edged weapon will lead people more onto the path of reconciliation. Learning to accept the universal truth that ‘the past cannot be changed’, will lead to better relationships and lowered sense of hurt.
In conclusion, reconciliation needs to be accepted as an emotional change from a state of self-centered ego-defense condition to a situation of inner peace and wellness. It can happen when the people concerned choose the paths of understanding, healing and relating rather than of defensive ego, false pride and dominance.