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Love or not?
I had a relationship of 1.5 years.I used to fight a lot over small things,used to blame her,judge her, sometimes even abuse her but always used to say sorry afterwards but again do the same thing a few days later.Now, it's been almost 5 months she left me for my toxic and abusive behaviour,I miss her now,always think that I should've behaved well with her.So,my real question is did I ever loved her or not? Or it was deep love with lack of emotional intelligence or empathy? Note: 1) This was my first relationship
Answers (16)
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Individual therapy is required. Kindly connect with psychotherapist.
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Thank you for sharing something so personal.
Reflecting on your behaviour and its impact on your relationship shows that youâre willing to understand yourself better, which is an important step forward.
Itâs natural to question whether what you felt was love, especially after realizing your actions hurt someone you cared about.
Love is often a mix of emotions, actions, and intentions.
Feeling deeply for someone doesnât always mean we know how to express love in healthy ways.
In your case, it seems like there were genuine feelings involved, but perhaps a lack of emotional awareness or unresolved personal issues got in the way.
Love, in its healthiest form, includes empathy, respect, and the ability to manage conflicts without causing harm.
The fact that you regret your behaviour and are reflecting on it now shows emotional growth.
Itâs not about whether you loved her or notâitâs about what youâve learned and how you can use this experience to build healthier relationships in the future.
Take this time to work on yourself.
Understanding what triggered your fights, blame, or judgments can help you develop emotional intelligence and empathy.
Therapy can be a powerful tool in this process.
Your first relationship teaches you a lot about love and yourself.
Use these lessons to become the kind of person who can love deeply and responsibly.
Give yourself grace as you grow, but also hold yourself accountable to ensure your future relationships are built on respect and understanding.
Wishing you clarity and strength on this journey.
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Your reflection shows that you care deeply and have the capacity to recognize your behavior. Love isnât only about feelings but also about actions, emotional intelligence, and mutual respect. Itâs possible that you truly loved her but struggled with expressing it in a healthy way due to challenges in managing emotions and empathy.
Next Steps
To gain clarity and work towards personal growth, I encourage you to explore your emotional patterns and triggers. Counseling can help you: Understand whether your actions stemmed from unresolved personal issues. Develop emotional intelligence and empathy. Learn to create healthier relationships moving forward.
Health Tips
Practice self-reflection daily. Write down your thoughts and feelings to identify patterns. Educate yourself about healthy communication in relationships. Focus on self-care to rebuild your confidence and emotional balance. We are here to support you in this journey. Please let us know if youâd like to schedule a session to work on this together.
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I am sorry that you are going through an internal struggle with guilt and regret over past actions in your relationship, which is a sign that you care deeply and want to change. The issue likely stems from unresolved emotional patterns and difficulties with emotional regulation (related to emotional intelligence).
As a psychologist, I can help you understand why this happened, work through your unresolved emotions, and guide you in developing healthier ways to express love and empathy in future relationships. This is not about blaming yourself but about growing from this experience.
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Hi
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individual therapy to understand unresolved needs, conflicts and defenses
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hi
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I appreciate your honesty & strength with which you are able to accept whatever wrong happened in that relationship. It was your first relationship & you must have spent some good memories with her which is making you rethink if you still have feelings for her. It can be confusing right now you are in guilt and want to redo things.
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Kindly reach out for a better understanding of your emotions.
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Love is a profound, multifaceted emotion that binds people through connection, trust, and care. It’s not confined to romantic relationships; it encompasses family, friendships, and self-love. Love brings joy, security, and a sense of belonging. However, it can also challenge us, forcing introspection and growth. On the flip side, the absence of love—or uncertainty about it—may lead to isolation, confusion, or doubt. Misaligned expectations or fear of vulnerability often blur the lines between love and infatuation. Genuine love is nurturing and selfless, while its absence may highlight dependence or superficiality. The journey to understanding love requires patience, self-awareness, and openness to imperfection. Love, or the lack thereof, is not definitive of one's worth; both states are opportunities for growth and learning......
Next Steps
Reflect on your emotions. Communicate openly and listen actively. Understand your needs and boundaries. Cultivate self-love first. If uncertain, take time to evaluate without rushing decisions. Allow relationships to evolve naturally while focusing on mutual respect and authenticity......
Health Tips
. Prioritize emotional honesty.
2. Practice gratitude and empathy.
3. Recognize love requires effort but shouldn't drain you.
4. Avoid clinging to illusions; seek authenticity.
5. Balance individuality and togetherness.
6. Seek advice if overwhelmed but trust your instincts.
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Hi,lf you are having doubts about yourself and you accept that,you did not treat your partner properly,you need to get professional help.
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Ms. Neha Sachdev
Psychologist
11 yrs exp
Delhi
Hi
Love is all about accepting the person the way she is, and the way she is not. You don’t change the person according to your convenience. Yes, their bad habits like alcohol or smoking, hampering your relationship can be discussed and altered, which will be for the growth and betterment of the relationship.
Since this was your first relationship, you would have expected a longer span of time. You guys would have shared your dreams which made you sure of her not walking out of relationship. Yet this was taken for granted, hence the loose end of the relationship.
Behavior of a person, reflects one’s personality. Even if you have good intentions, yet the behavior is wrong, the relationship goes for a toss
Next Steps
Coping up with break up
Alterations in behavior,
Health Tips
Please consult a psychologist
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Ms. Rupa Talukdar
Counselling Psychologist
14 yrs exp
Kolkata
You have intolerance, you love her but you want her to behave in the way you like.
Only saying sorry is not the way to live, at the same time you need to work on your repeated behaviour.
So work on your intra- and inter personal communication and get the cognitive benefit from it.
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Dr. Seema Aggarwal (PhD)
Counselling Psychologist
11 yrs exp
Bangalore
Hello,
Individual therapy is required.
Please consult a Counseling Psychologist.
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Dr. Gargi Bansal (PhD)
Counselling Psychologist
18 yrs exp
Noida
If you feel that you miss her and still have true feelings for her and you respect her as a person then your feelings are true for her..you should work on your self by identifying your true feelings and also on your behaviour..
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Consult a psychologist
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Ms. Farheen Moulana
Psychologist
4 yrs exp
Bangalore
Hi, I am glad that you are acknowledging your behaviour and actions. it really takes courage to accept your actions a seek help for it. I can understand that this relationship has ended and hence you are feeling this way. I would like you to connect with me so that we can talk about the underlying issues and causes for your triggers that aroused problems in your relationship and what could have caused you to behave in an abusive way in your relationship. A deep conversation may help you regain your emotional strength and it may also help you figure out how to take the next steps forward.
Next Steps
Connect with me as we can develop a plan for change and take a few steps in managing your emotions and communication which can help you build healthier relationships in future
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Mr. Sandeep Kumar
Psychologist
12 yrs exp
Chandigarh
Hi dear concerned, It seems you cared deeply for her, but the repeated toxic behavior suggests a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy rather than mature love. True love involves respect and self-control, so use this experience to grow and build healthier relationships in the future.
Regards
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Ms. Pooja Gupta
Counselling Psychologist
8 yrs exp
Delhi
Hi,
It sounds like you are grappling with complex emotions regarding your past relationship, and it's important to recognize that love can manifest in many different ways. Your behaviorâfrequent fighting, blaming, and abusive actionsâsuggests that you may not have fully understood or practiced the principles of a healthy relationship, such as empathy, respect, and emotional intelligence. This could indicate that your love was overshadowed by immaturity and an inability to manage your emotions effectively. It's possible that you cared for her deeply but lacked the skills to express that love in a constructive way. Reflecting on your actions and their impact on her can be a crucial step in understanding your feelings and growing as a person. Consider seeking support or guidance to help you develop better emotional awareness and healthier relationship patterns in the future.
Next Steps
consult with a Psychologist
Health Tips
seek help
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Ms. Shaifali Badoni
Clinical Psychologist
6 yrs exp
Noida
Hi
There are various elements of love like respect, trust, support, loyalty etc and for some people one can carry more value than others...
In my personal opinion one cannot love someone without complete acceptance of who they are we respect them for who they are that is somewhat close to love
So your abusive behaviour at that moment can show lack of love but not all the time ...so may be we cannot answer it in yes or no...other times when you were driven by your fears or insecurities you acted one way and rest the other...
So I don't think it is worth questioning your love through these acts
There are people who are in commited relationship for many years without any abuse but there is no love...it's pure commitment nothing else so they consider this aspect as love...but otherwise it's empty.so no abuse doesn't mean love and vice versa
However if you have identified some pattern, it is worth giving it a thought and working on it so that it is not repeated
Next Steps
you may consider taking sessions to discover more about the origins of this pattern and how to overcome it
Health Tips
find out underlying emotions that are hidden behind the abusive demeanor
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Disclaimer : The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.