I need some help. I deserve to be happy?

I don't want to live like this anymore. Everything seems pointless to me now. I don't have any aim left. These self sabotaging thoughts, negativity. I can't bear this anymore. Nothing excites me anymore. There is no joy left. I wake up so tired. And feel I have no energy to do anything. Each task has became so hard to complete. Quitting looks easy. I search ways to end this agony. I too want to be happy. I envy and get sad when I see other people happy. Don't I deserve to be happy? I've been using trika 0.50mg to control this feeling(without any prescription). And it helps me to sleep atleast. Otherwise nights are scary for me now. There are some days when I don't sleep at all. And sometimes I sleep for just 20-30 odd minutes and wake up panicking. Please please help me.