I believe in that part of ur mind which made u to ask for help at this platform. It's not easy to open but difficult times call for desperate measures... And u have done the right thing.
There is no problem on the face of earth which is created without a solution to it. The only fact standing is the discovery of that solution. I believe in all the reasons u can understand as causes of feeling the way u r feeling. But when the thoughts of negative nature overwhelm the mind then mind gets impatient by each moment passing. This is the way our minds have been hardwired. Thoughts triggering emotions and emotions directing our behaviours. We lookin back at our own negative behaviours get more negative thoughts and consequentially the cycle goes on n on.
There is undoubtedly a easier way to get rid of this. And dat involves u seeing a psychiatrist of ur choice. I know for sure dat a big part of u wants to get rid of these silly thoughts of self harm. So just enable ur freedom from this negative state.
Hope this helps u but feel free to consult further. Take care