Depression affecting my life. Stupid.

I have lot of rage fits. I get easily pulled down by negative thoughts. My only source of light is my wife but I'm afraid that I will push her away with my fits of rage. I'm highly irritable. I don't sleep on time. I have gastric issues also. my mind is completely pre-occupied. The list goes on. I had a bitter childhood/Teenage. Starting with my Dad's death I had seen lot of death and loss before I was 20. I feel somehow affected by all this. I'm afraid to be happy. There's a constant fear tat I can be happy onlyfor a week or two and something horrible will happen. Even small small negativities and bad events pile up on me soon. If the no. Of bad events cross 3 even on a very good day I end up feeling very fucked up with a total loss of self worth and I feel like I don't deserve this life as I have been stupid.