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My mind is thinking of only 1 thing
Hello Doctor, My mind always thinks of only about 1 bloody person after friendship was broken I need to go forward but always I am stuck here. I am unable to do my daily workout or any other task efficiently Could you please help me how to come out of this? Thanks, Amit
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Acceptance - Maybe you realized before it happened or maybe the break up got you by surprise. Grieve your loss - cry your heart out, doesn't matter if you are a guy or a girl. Start your day with a good cry, it lifts a huge burden and you walk lighter throughout the day. Delete break up music, pictures of your ex, old texts are all good things to use to start bawling if you are having trouble crying. Understanding what is going on in your head right now - Your brain goes into "hyper drive", and you do things that you would never normally do. This mechanism gets triggered when we feel we are losing our loved ones. When we get dumped, this mechanism gets triggered too and we go into flight or fight mode aka "Hyper Drive". Hence we are riddled with agonizing anxiety all day. Be patient - It hurts, I know. it really really really hurts, I know. It is going to be like this for a bit but you will get better eventually. A lot of people keep making posts here about breaking up 2 weeks ago and complaining why they aren't perfectly fine now. It doesn't work like that. I wish it did, but it doesn't. I am sorry. Cut off all contact, go No contact (For your own healing) - Don't text them, don't call them, don't snap them, don't like their photos, don't do anything to contact them, don't even try to send a pigeon. If they message or call you, let them know straight up that if they want to try the relationship again they can call or text you otherwise tell them not to contact you under any circumstances. No need to be mean, do it politely. "If you ever want to give another try with our relationship, only then contact me. Otherwise refrain from contacting me. I want some space, thank you." Why are we being so cruel? Using no contact to get them back - You might be wondering that if you do no contact, they might actually forget about you and move on. WRONG! How many times do you think about water a day? Not a lot. Lets just imagine that your house runs out of water, the whole city runs out of water. All you can think about now is water. You are thirsty, you want to take a shower, you want to cook....the lack of water has forced you to think of it. Its the scarcity effect, we long for things that are scarce more than we long for things that are plenty. Hence, no contact makes your ex think about you way more than they would have if you kept badgering them. You need to be completely out of the picture for them to miss you.They must feel your void. How to actually do "No contact" - When my ex broke up with me I could not believe what was happening. This was the closest thing to hell I have ever experienced. I been hit hard by life many times. But this punch, it nearly killed me. Nothing could ever prepare me for this. It was absolute agony. I would go to sleep and start dreaming about being together with her, I would wake up and realize the reality of the situation and start bawling like a mad man (thats a positive though, you should cry it out). All my dreams I had with her were all shattered. I didn't know what to do. The life I planned with her is nothing but a sad memory now. I started researching and went down the rabbit hole of "Win your ex back". I found out about the no contact policy and started doing it. The first seven days were brutal. The only thing I told myself was "Just survive the first 7 days". Every inch of my body wanted to reach out to her. To beg her to come back. I knew, I knew it wouldn't work. So through sheer will and determination I didn't reach out to her. As I explained before, my brain was in hyper drive, I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms of love. I just told myself, "Survive 7 days". That is all I did. I survived 7 days at a time. Maybe you can only survive 1 day at a time. Do that! Tell yourself that "Okay okay, I will contact them in a month". Then when a month rolls by "Okay, next month I will contact her". Then when the next month rolls by tell yourself "Okay, i will contact her in the next 3 months". The trick is to lie to yourself that you will contact them eventually but you never will. Why you should reject their offer of friendship - Sometimes the dumper doesn't want to be so cruel so they try to be your friend, to reduce their guilt and reduce their pain of losing you. Don't give them that. Let them feel the pain of losing you. If you want them back or if you want to move on, the best way is to let them go. They need to miss you, in order to want you again. The dumper has all the power in this break up, since they are rejecting you. Take back a little of that power by rejecting their offer of friendship. Do you really want to see them dating new people and asking for your advice? You might think that if you are around her she won't move on and she will realize what an amazing person you are and get back with you. WRONG! What ends up happening is they start categorizing you as a friend rather than a romantic interest. Pulling you deeper and deeper into the friend zone. Stop trying to find the "Real" reason for the breakup - You are going through every conversation you had with her. You are analyzing her texts, you are asking your friends "Could she have left because I didn't share my french fries with her on our 12th date ?" You feel like you are Sherlock Holmes, figuring out clues that will lead you to the "real" reason. You might be unsatisfied with the reason they gave you. In reality, they don't even know why they broke up with you. They have an idea of why, but the reason is more emotional than logical so they can't give you a really good reason. I get it, you want closure. The only person that can give you closure is you! Think, think hard why they left you. Write it down on a piece of paper and just learn to accept it. General incompatibility? Poor communication? Lack of time spent? Circumstance? Mental health issues? What do YOU think the reason was? What does your heart tell you? Mystery solved. Remember, if you do reach out to them and try to get closure, no matter what they tell you. It will never be enough. Closure is something you give yourself. Don't ever blame yourself - We tend to blame ourselves and our imperfections for the break up. This person didn't just reject you, they rejected you after knowing you inside out. That is why it hurts so much. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you! Yes, you aren't perfect. You have your flaws. You deserve someone that stays with you regardless of your flaws, not someone who refuses to work on them with you. Don't idealize your Ex and put them on a pedestal - Drug addicts in withdrawal often highlight only the positives of the drug they were addicted to. They conveniently forget how that drug turned their life upside down. Don't change your life to avoid pain - Don't avoid the restaurants you used to go to, don't avoid the activities you used to do together. Yes, when you go to the restaurant you used to go to together might be painful at first. But after a few times you bring your friends there or even a new date there. Your brain starts creating new memories with that restaurant and the new memories override the old memories and you feel much better. Sure, it was where you and your ex used to have coffee but now its where you and your friends spill the coffee.Obviously don't resume activities just after the break up but eventually get to that point. Fill the void with Self Improvement - Now you feel like there is a huge void in your life. You ex might have been a big part of your life. Fill that void up by adopting a new hobby, learning a new skill, or any passion of yours you wanted to always try but didn't have the time to. Don't fret if you don't have a hobby or a new skill to learn. The journey to finding these things are an awesome adventure on its own. Don't "Get busy" to avoid thinking about them - All you are doing is delaying your pain by distracting yourself from thinking about them. Let the thoughts about them come. If you can't cry. Close your eyes and focus on the pain. Be with the body, don't judge the pain. Just notice it. Keep noticing it, till it goes away. That is how you process your pain to go through you and not get buried. Rely on all your social support systems - Feeling sad? Reach out to friends and family to vent. Sometimes just straight up tell them that you just want to vent and don't want their advice. Eventually start going out with your friends and family. Your loved ones are here for you to utilize them. But do give them breaks from venting here and there. They are human and they sometimes can get tired of your break up story. Rebuild your identity - When we are in a relationship we tend to merge our identities with our other half. That is why we feel so lost when they leave us. We are so used to having them as our "better" half's that we forget who we were when we never met them in the first place. Maybe you gave up a hobby or activity when you were dating them in order to have more time with them. Now is the best time to reclaim that part of yourself that you lost when you guys were dating. It is also the best time to figure out who you are and what you truly want. If you always wanted to travel and live in some country for a few months but you couldn't because you were in a committed relationship, now is the perfect opportunity to do so. You aren't tethered by anyone, fly free. Get some physical exercise - Well the first few months of the breakup I guess its okay if you don't work out at all since you might be too depressed to get out of bed or have any motivation to do anything (I couldn't get up for two months, some other people were fine after a week. So heal in your own time, again there is no timeline to grieve). But eventually I want you to start exercising regularly to pump your brain with all those feel good chemicals. 15 to 30 min a day is a good start, hell even just 5 min is great. Set ambitious new goals for your life - Is there something you always wanted to do or be? Set your horizons on it and start chasing your new hopes and dreams. Start a gratitude journal - Yes, I bet you heard that a million times already. It does increase your happiness quotient. Make a habit of listing three things you are grateful for before you go to sleep. When you say these things actually feel it and let the joy of that thing warm you up. It could be as little thing as the dinner you had that day or it could be something really special such as being grateful for your parents. Start Dating again - You would eventually want to start dating again. After a couple of months you should try your hand in dating here and there. Have fun with your single life. Have some exciting romantic encounters with some girl on vacation. Flirt with that pretty girl in the college/work. Have fun, enjoy yourself. Take it slow and be weary of any early red flags. Trust your gut. Don't make the same mistakes you made last time.
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Yes I can. We must understand that we can not erase any specific memory. But with a balanced approach to life we tend to keep all the thoughts and concerns in our mind together without feeling disturbed.
Next Steps
Start doing some moderate physical exercise and write in a diary about your thoughts.
Health Tips
Avoid coping with this situation by taking alcohol
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Hello..It looks like you have a bad experience in the past which is not allowing you to focus in the present.Have you tried to share your thoughts with someone? How is your routine,health? If you feel you are not able to come out of it and the past is haunting your present and eventually your future,its time to talk to a Counselor.Take Care and good luck.
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If you would like to connect with me please book an appointment Via Practo,or www.counsellingwithanamika.com
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Disclaimer : The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
Disclaimer : The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.