Anxiety and depression. His debts.

Hey, You have been carrying a heavy burden on your fragile back, as for now which is naturally making you anxious & depressed due to it's wait & content. From what you have mentioned I gather that you have had a hard childhood craving for love & attention from parents. You had received it whenever you could perform well in academics. In your striving for acceptance you used to try everything possible within your boundaries by giving anything you could to others or agreeing with their opinions even if it didn't feel right inside, to please them. It shows in your academic performance or your practice of taking any close one's debts on your shoulders. You even seem to have married a guy who appreciated you initially & felt lesser than you eventually mainly out of insecurity. In the course of time you tend to stop liking the other person because he/they do not seem to acknowledge/appreciate how much ever you give & you yourself aren't expressing what you truly are in relationship. In friendship or marriage or any other close relation, first criteria for success is for 2 people to show exactly what they are in the way other person would understand and not to just take a role other person would expect or appreciate. In second case, one person would be reduced to a little part of her and would seem uninteresting to other person on one hand and would be facing lot of inner turmoil & pain out of the feeling of suppressing her self expression/not being accepted in spite of her tremendous efforts to fit in. At this point i would ask you two things. Have you felt like yourself so far or helplessly bounded in your life..?? What do you exactly want from your life..?? Remember you have it in you to be living your life exactly the way you like. You can create love in your marriage if you want to. You are financially independent which gives you a space to experiment constructively with your life. Start taking your own stand with people in your life. It could be with very small things in the beginning. Notice your behaviour and recognize every time you say something to please others. Try to reduce it. Try expressing your real thoughts & feelings more. First of all stop carrying that baggage and throw it off after retrieving few lessons from it. If you need further assistance feel free to consult a psychologist. All the Best.