I could see a lot of Guilt, Stress, Self-pitying, Anger etc., in your statement. All those emotions and got caught in those unavoidable situations has put you in this frustration and uncertainity..
Next Steps
I suggest you to consult a psychological Counselor to overcome this issue..
Health Tips
You can connect with me by using the link given below for more details and clarity :-
https://prac.to/hema-sampath-psychologist-dir