I believe what's killing you more is your perception about masturbation rather than masturbation itself. The idea that masturbation is harmful and I'll practice has taken a great toll on your mental health. Perhaps, this myth has creeped deep inside you and the preoccupation with incapacity to abstain from masturbation and associated short and long term consequences has worked as persistent stress and given rise to what can be best explained as "anxiety disorder"
Next Steps
it's in your best interest if you consult a nearby psychiatrist in person, preferably in government set up if you have affordability issues
Health Tips
Consult a medical professional regarding any health information rather than listening and believing myth or misinformation