Self hate lack of focus. But if someon!

I am studet and I hate my self my decisions, there was a time when I used to be motivated but now I can't focus many things, I hate talking with people as I feel the fear of being judged. Maybe that's why I am becoming mobile addict for a long time. Some times I can't even remember the places, road and studying is becoming a headech. FYI I m in my final year engineering with moderate grades in previous semisters but still I feel it would be hard for me in future. All I can feel is dull me, with out proper positive mind. Please help me as I won't be able to consult psychiatrist :( stigma sucks. Not only me but with all these my family will also suffer. ) I pretend as if its okay but from inside I am dying. I am only living because of my family otherwise I would have ended my life months ago. Suffering sucks. It's like jail in which breathing is punishable. I dont like lying and pretending as if m okay but that's what i can do now. I don't know why I am writing it here but if someon