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Depression

Dear sir/madam, I am 22 year old girl. Working as an IT professional at Technopark Trivandrum. I engaged with a person, who is working in my same company. 100% arranged.. now the problem is sometimes he don't like me. He has a lot of reasons to hate me.. But after 5 minutes he will love me madly. I am confused with this abnormal behaviour .. Sometimes he is talking about breakup and after 10 or 15 minutes he will talk about our future..
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Doctor Answers (4) on Depression

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Ms. Hema Sampath Bangalore | Clinical Psychologist
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Hello ,  I  think you both can consult a Pre marriage Counsellor Or A Relationship  Counsellor  before you get married .
Though it is an arranged marriage it I better to get to know the compatability of both of you.
Next Steps
Consult with  a Counsellor in ur city and hv clarity before any decision.
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You have registered as a 29yrs male from Thiruvananthapuram but are asking a question as a 22 yrs old girl IT professional. I am confused. Its very rare instance that you are going for an arranged marriage that too with your colleague with whom you get to spend time and an opportunity to know each other before marriage. Dont worry. Be yourself. Wait and watch. Explain to him about the process of marriage and life after. Both of you can take measured steps in the right direction. Both of you need to show maturity and understanding. Don't compromise and let things go beyond your control. Spend enough time with each other giving each other measured space. Respect each other. But also make this time happy and memorable. Try to find love in each other. Use this time to build relationships with your inlaws as well. Everyone inherently wants to be good with each other. Discover that goodness in each other and build relationships on that. Since you are also engaged, wish you a very happy married life.
Next Steps
Visit a psychotherapist or Psychiatrist trained in marital counseling for premarital counseling
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Dr. Lakshmi T Rajan Chennai | Counselling Psychologist
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Dear friend, I understand your concern. Try and talk to him about this issue and resolve before your marriage. If needed both of you can go for pre marital counseling and get the problem resolved. Wishes
Next Steps
Get help from a psychotherapist or a counselor.
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Feel free to contact me for further guidance
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Ms. Sneha Bhat Bangalore | Counselling Psychologist
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Dear Young Lady,

We all have a tendency to be affected by situations around us meaning we are in good mood when good things happen to us or when people around us treat us well & transition to a bad mood when things does not go as expected or people around us mistreat us. When we are in good mood, we treat people well & visevarsa.

Few people tend to take this general tendency to next level where they manipulate another person or situation to alter their mood. They do not do it intentionally however are used to behave in a certain pattern unknowingly.

Your fiancé points out your mistakes, treats you badly & emotionaly puts you down for a while till you are hurt & start reacting to the situation. Once you react, he feels guilty hence ashamed of his behaviour and starts treating you in an opposite way till you feel really good & react. At this point he feels as if he has lost control over situation hence needs to put you down to take back the control. End of the day, you just end up behaving like a confused puppet, whom he is controlling to balance his mood from one end to another.

Solution would be to make him aware of his pattern by not reacting to it but pointing out his behaviour to him in a straight forward way. Remember that his behaviour with you has nothing to do with you, though he is pointing out your mistakes for a while & praising your strengths later. When he is behaving in a mean way, accept your weaknesses however also point out that he is being mean without being affected emotionally(do not be angry or sad). When he is being nice, accept your strengths however also point out that he is being exceptionally nice without being affected emotionally(do not be excited). Notice his reaction. Find out if he is able to come to a middle position without manipulating you in few days. Also find out if he has an addiction he isn't able to manage & for which he needs help.

If it continues, do consult a professional for a premarital counseling so that you both enter the wedlock with right expectations & understanding.

Good Luck.

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