Continue thinking of my loving guy.

After 5 years of relationship if your guy is avoiding your calls and trying to keep you away; do a self-assessment to analyse if something went wrong in the relationship (i.e.. any misunderstanding, trust issue, over-expectation, status issue etc.). Is that a fact that you are too mad on that guy and he is not reciprocating?? There are possibilities that some of them mistake love to infatuation and go a long way, even to go physical, as many perceive that as the symbol of love. You will be in a better position to analyse and get more clarity on your thoughts. If your guy is not reciprocating your true love, and you have attempted many time to reach him and be with him; there are possibilities that he may have pressure from his family, or he must be having affair with someone else or he doesn't want to continue with you. (Irrespective of any such reasons, it is time for you to be self-centric as your life, happiness, future is more important for your own self than any one else. Life is really beautiful and wonderful, it is up to you to attract positivity that comes in your favour. Do you want to prude on/waste your life or do you want to move ahead with various other options thrown widely around you!! You have the liberty to make the choice. I still will recommend that you consult a Counsellor in your city, who can systematically empower you to handle your life. You seem to be entangled in emotional domain, which is making you feel lonely, hurting yourself and suicidal thoughts. All these will only harm and affect you. Move to more practical and intellectual domain and move ahead in life; you are just 21 years old and long way to go.