Hello dear, I can understand the pain and distress that you are carrying with you in these tough situations and times. However please recognize that this negative emotional state is   highly likely to be a mental health ailment like depressive episode. The key point to highlight here is that depression is a treatable medical illness like all other medical disorders. Hence my polite suggestion for you is that please seek a consultation with a psychiatrist near you for comprehensive assessment and further management. A psychiatrist should be able to help you get out of this current negative mood state. Please be well assured that your condition can be helped with proper guidance and treatment. Hope this helps you. Best wishes for your health and future..