I see that situations in your life along with the the way you have been interpreting them have brought you to a helpless position & also have reduced your motivation level. It's just like a kid wanting to buy a set of pencils badly. He tries in every possible way to convince parents to buy those for him. When he doesn't succeed, it seems like the end of world to him. On one hand pencils are very important to him & he wants them badly. On the other hand he doesn't know another way to avail those pencils. In his helplessness nothing else seems interesting, he is angry on everything & everyone and his pain seems unbearable. He has 2 choices here. Either to stay in his pain of unattained pencils all of his life and suffer or to gather himself, think about the reasons for his parents not getting him what he wants & also think about everything he already has. If he makes the second choice and bounces back, he would eventually console himself and move ahead. He would become a person who gets much more than pencils. Who knows, he could be a manufacturer of pencils right now. Have you noticed that pencil was important to him at that point and not now and may be parents were saving money for his education which they thought was best for him which he did not know yet. Well, the position you are is a tough one to get over but you certainly can. You have a long life ahead to chase your goal. Find out what's going wrong and change your strategies. If the clarity is missing, consult a psychologist or psychiatrist for assistance. Take Care.