I don't know what's going in my life.

I that I won't be happy in my entire life I have friends (from 1 yr)and family but I have never share anything about my life with anyone. ( For 7 years atleast) I have severe mood swings sometimes, gets angry easily or without reason while doing work I have passive life like I feel like I m just going but I do take decision of my life. For years I have went to sucidal thought, attempts also, running away thoughts. (Just from years I not going through it) but I feel many emotions at a same life If someone tries to enter in my life I become defensive in words Sometimes I do something when I m angry it only hurts me I feel like I want someone I my life so desperately from last 6 month someone who can do anything for me and go to any limits for me Now if I see back in past life I feel like I never happy in life or lived my life even once I have been addicted to kdrama for more than 3 year, if not them I read novels from a year