I'm married , I got a kid 2 years old . I feel lonely at night. Im getting angry often and sometimes i tend to physically beat her . Later I regret for what I did . I apologize to her even if it's not my fault . I feel like she is provoking me often .
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I see that you are going through lot of pain and helplessness these days which gets you angry when provoked. Loneliness is a feeling of not being understood or appreciated by anyone which gets expressed at different levels like physical need, emotional vulnerability, intellectual burden and a sense of being lost. It is a difficult place to be in however certainly has a way out. Right now, please go back to your childhood and think about instances where any of your parents beat you or scolded you badly. Did they apologize or console you later..?? If they did, did it make a difference..?? Were you able to be yourself and express your thoughts and feelings freely to them or were you scared about many things..?? Did you not feel that they can do anything to you and you are helpless. Didn't your own value reduce in your mind..?? I am assuming that the person you are beating is your wife. If she is provoking you, she might be criticizing you in one way or the other. When you are criticized, you feel devalued hence make an attempt to devalue the other person as well and try hurting her. However that doesn't give you the understanding from her which you seek and rather makes you guilty & lonelier. Criticism or abuse would never be repaid with caring, understanding or love. So i would suggest you to firstly stop yourself from beating whenever you are angry and instead write in a journal about how you felt. Secondly, start noticing small things which are good about her and appreciate. Show that you care. She can understand you only when you would make an effort to appreciate the person that she is. The fact that you are concerned about both your loneliness as well as behavior shows that you are a sensible person who has a possibility for great life. If you cannot control yourself, next time she provokes, do consult a psychologist for further assistance. Take Care.
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