Hi My Dear Client,
I am deeply feel the hurt for the incident what happened. I appreciate you for opening up and sharing about what you had gone through, how have been feeling, what different self harming actions that you took. When you mentioned "I can't put into words how I feel" I can understand how difficult it is to express for you. It is quite natural when you have faced a situation which is very dark part of the life, however there is no fault of yours.
My dear, as you mentioned you are quite young and there is abundant life infront of you. I do agree at present you are going through tough phase. It doesnt mean your life has going to end here. It is like a dark cloud that has surrounded Sun, so looks dull and feel like Sun never going to appear again. But is it true? No my Dear, very soon Sun appears and cloud shatters.
I can understand you are in a denial mode and for anyone it is very difficult to accept whatever happened. I can understand that you might be in anger, frustration, helplessness. Might be finding difficulty to accept yourself. Might be feeling your dreams are shattered.
Let us hold on at this moment. I know you want to come out of that memory and situation and want to empower yourself. For all these, we need to address your emotions and thoughts which connected to that situation. But can we change that situation? No but also Yes. No, as a incident. But Yes, as part of your repeating memory. I am sure you can take steps towards it.
Next Steps
Let us work on restructuring your emotions, thoughts and hope in life, so that you are emopwered and you are able to regain your energy, strength, and courage to take necessary future course of actions.
Health Tips
Be with people whom you trust. Express your emotions and thoughts. It is completely "OK" to seek help. There is million ways to come out of your situation, though it looks like every door closed. Common My Dear you have a strength to seek help to help yourself. We as a Psychologist Maternity (A motherhood in nature) are there to help you to help yourself.