It looks like that certsin behavioursvof your husband and few incidents had given some impressions and those are affecting you let go and move forward on this relationship..
Next Steps
Probably, You might get some clarity and understanding about yourself better by Seeking a professional support..
Consult a psychological Counselor..
Health Tips
You can reach me by using the link given below for more details :-
https://prac.to/hema-sampath-psychologist-dir