Hi friend , you have conveyed lot in brief . You have been aware of your problems that you are going through& also you have decided not to forget / give up on these thoughts . You need help from a mental health practitioner at the earliest.
Next Steps
Tele Counselling sessions will help you to take the right decision & resolve your thought process . An experienced Psychologist can help you .
Health Tips
Positive thinking guides you on the right path .