Live is really beautiful indeed, it is how you manage efficiently and productively to your advantage. Reading your description,  I see that you are assuming things and making your life miserable. Better begin where you can begin and progress gradually to lead a good life. Since you haven't mentioned if you are studying or working or doing nothing, your message seems incomplete.  You can get help if you take the first step forward

I can see that you feel hopeless and sad most of the times and also lonely. When we are sad or in despair our brain does not give us the rational or the logical thinking. So we just tend to dwell in the negative and believe in it as well. I suggest not to self diagnose since it is dangerous. And the state you are in the thought to end life comes automatically. So you should understand that every problem has a solution. Right now you need a professional help to give yourself that solution.

Hi. First of all there is nothing wrong with you. See you cant imagine any disorder by yourself. That's wrong. Since you have already attempted suicide you must go for counselling. Understand one thing that all problems can be solved and everything has a solution. You shouldn't get depressed and if u feel so u must find a right solution. Dont make your situation worse. Kindly meet a psychologist and get proper guidance and counselling for ur fears and depression .