Hello dear, I can understand your distress and despair for the loss of your father and current situation. Your crying episodes, feelings of emotional weekness, all point towards a negative mood and emotional state, possibly adjustment disorder or depression. Hence please seek a consultation with a psychiatrist near you for comprehensive assessment and treatment of these issues. I am quite concerned about the ideas of suicide and self harm that you have narrated here. I would suggest and urge you to please share these with people you consider as well wishers, and please refrain from acting on these thoughts. Please be reasonably assured that this phase of time, howsoever negative it may seem will pass like see waves, and good or positive times will re-emerge. Please be well assured that your condition can be helped with proper guidance and treatment. Hence do not delay in getting help. Hope this helps you. Best wishes for your health and future..