You do need help. Professional help.

Hi! Suicidal thoughts usually come when you begin feeling hopeless. You seem to have over the years internalised a lot of hurt. This means that - Every time some one hurts you, you feel there is something deficient in you. Pretty soon you are convinced that you are an unlovable person. These kinds of negative self thoughts take you into depression. In turn depression makes you hv more negative thoughts. Negative thinking and self doubt can become a bad habit. Is this true for you? If so for each negative thought try to list out several possible alternatives. Keep practicing this. I would of course suggest that you need to go for therapy.

Are pressuring you to go for a job  at any cost!!! Is your family situation is in such a need of your income!!!!??? Think 🤔. You need some clarity and motivation to face your life's ups and downs. I would suggest you to consult a psychologist either online or offline.