Hello Friend, Good that you are seeking a help here. I can understand your suitation. You may be still having this deep rooted emotions underneath at subconscious level which trigger such thoughts.
No worries,. Take a professional psychology expert support to find the ways to manage your thoughts and Induce positivity in your life. You will be alright.
Next Steps
Take an psychology counseling support first to assess your emotional condition and the follow the suitable recommendations.
Feel free to reach out to me online through Practo app chat for further detailed evaluation and suitable solutions that you can follow