You seem to be in much emotional pain and agony. Good that you wrote a question. You can get help from a counsellor or psychiatrist. You may be in a difficult situation and it may not be your fault, but the therapist ir the doctor wil be able to help you in dealing with the situation better and not by harming yourself. In case affordability is an issue, there are goverment and non goverment institutes that offer good help. Please reach out to them.