Hello Friend, Good that you are seeking a help. Your are carrying many negative and confusing thoughts in your mind. Obviously, it will trigger depression and worry in day to day life.
Advice you to consult a psychologists to open discussion and ventilate your emotions and concerns. I am sure you will be able see a different prepective about your problem and a suitable solution to overcome.
Next Steps
Feel free to reach out to me online through Practo app chat for further detailed discussion and to explore suitable solutions that you can follow practically to overcome. Be confident. You will be alright soon.