It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of distress and anxiety related to cleanliness, particularly around using the washroom and feeling that things around you may become contaminated. This seems to be taking a significant toll on your life, leaving you feeling stuck, irritated, and isolated because you’re not able to share this with anyone. First of all, I want to acknowledge how hard this must be for you and appreciate you for reaching out despite the shame you feel.
What you’re describing does align with common symptoms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), specifically involving contamination and compulsive washing. This is not your fault, and you’re not alone—many people struggle with similar challenges, and help is available.
Next Steps
I strongly encourage you to consult a psychologist or therapist who specializes in OCD or anxiety disorders. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to talk about your experiences and work with you to develop effective strategies to manage these thoughts and behaviors. Evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), particularly Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), are highly effective in treating OCD.
Health Tips
Remember, seeking help is a courageous step, and with the right support, it’s possible to reduce the impact of OCD on your life. You don’t have to go through this alone, and professional guidance can make a big difference.