Sometimes, life takes a different turn and we end up in a trap of dysfunctions. Remember, it's our vulnerabilities that gets us there and more importantly it happens automatically. So, stop blaming yourself for what you are dealing with. That trap of negative thoughts, painful emotions, withdrawn / avoidance / fearful behaviors happens due to several factors like family genes, upbringing, environment, experiences of life etc upon which you hardly have any control. Now, it is important you start seeing these things as a matter of fact and not get too emotional about it. Just get into action while you appreciate your emotions in the context I just explained. It's all about perception. Real truth is almost a myth. Consciously change your perceptions. Enjoy whatever is working in your life. For whatever is not working, keep taking smart actions without letting emotions affect your actions. Persist... and you will see the magic ! Consider seeing a psychiatrist for further help like cognitive behavior therapy and possibly medicines. Regards