You appear to have a lot on your mind. There also seems a sense of loneliness experienced by you. We do make choices in our lives based on our assumptions and ideas in those situations.... and some of them turn out to be great and some not so great. If the sense of distress is overwhelming for you, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist. It may help to move beyond negative evaluation of your past to focus more on what you want now and skills required to achieve that.