It seems like you're going through a very difficult time and I'm sorry about what you've been through. If you're not able to find the words to explain how you feel, a counsellor may guide you through that.
Next Steps
It would help to visit a mental health professional so you can unload these difficulties and find some release, insight and steps forward.
Health Tips
From what you've written, I would suggest you take a prompt step forward at this crucial time.