hello dear practo user. i think we are dealing with a serious mental health issue here. if you are harboring chronic thoughts of self harm then it becomes utmost important to consult a mental health professional as soon as possible. we should not wait for a life event or emotional crisis to let your condition worsen. in my experience i have seen it generally helps talking and sharing these concerns with a near and dear one (or whoever you are comfortable with) . i would recommend a consultation with a mental health professional (psychiatrist/clinical psychologist) at the earliest for a detailed assessment and investigations, if required. you can be helped with the use of some medicines and/or therapy (counselling). best luck