Thank you for your honesty in sharing something so personal. What you're describing isn’t technically masturbation in the traditional sense, since there’s no direct genital stimulation or intention to reach orgasm. However, it does involve sexual arousal and emotional fantasy, which can lead to involuntary physical responses like erection or pre-ejaculate.
This behavior seems to be a form of sensual self-soothing and emotional expression, possibly linked to unfulfilled intimacy needs or past habits. The fact that you’re reflecting on it and trying to understand it is a good sign of self-awareness.
Next Steps
1. Talking to a mental health professional to explore emotional needs, guilt, or compulsivity.
2. Practicing mindfulness, journaling, or finding creative/relational outlets.
Health Tips
1. Avoiding self-judgment- many people go through such phases during emotional or sexual development.
2. Keep reflecting and take small steps toward the version of yourself you want to be.