Hello Friend, Good that you are seeking a help here. For the narration, looks like you are confused in taking a decision. Also at your heart still you not able to accept the failure.
Definitely it going to create a lot of mental disturbance. Better take a professional help and discuss your problem in detail.. I am sure you will get a clarity.
Next Steps
Consult a counseling expert. Feel free to reach out to me online through Practo for further assistance.