Hello Friend, Good that you are seeking a help here. I can understand your suitation well. Holding such an emotional disturbance and negativity within you is not adviced. You need to ventilate your emotions, feelings and concerns to someone you care about you immediately. I know you don't have anyone at this point. You surely need a counseling support to explore your self first and figure out the reason and explore the suitation situation. You need to consult a psychologists immediately. Best solution for you is to approach through online as it's easy and convenient for you to get the support. Feel free to reach out to me online through Practo app for further evaluation and recommendation.