I appreciate that you are talking about your issues even though it is difficult for you to talk to anyone about them. It seems that you have goals in life that you really want to follow, but somehow you are finding it difficult to accomplish your goals. This could be due to a lot of factors, excessive planning, unrealistic expectations, unrealistic goals, or confusion.
Next Steps
I would suggest you to take therapy. I practice Offline as well as Online. You may reach out to me at www.aaishakhan.com
Health Tips
Therapy will definitely help you resolve this conflict in life.