Hello Friend, Good that you are seeking a help. Holding on such emotional disturbance and negativity within you is not adviced. As you have understood the problem, take the next steps to address it by taking a professional counselling support. I am sure you will be able see a different prepective about yourself and explore suitable solution to overcome.
Next Steps
Consult a psychologists directly or online. Feel free to reach out to me online through Practo app chat for further evaluation and recommendation.