It looks like that you are affected and confused by many things which has happened in your life..
It is better to seek a professional support to overcome this doubt, Anxiety, and the stress you are going through because of that..
Next Steps
Consult a psychological Counselor to understand yourself and to get a clarity..
Health Tips
For a detailed discussion and understanding you can reach me by using the link given below :-
https://prac.to/hema-sampath-psychologist-dir