Hi, firstly my condolences to your mother. Your loss is irreplaceable. And the pain you are experiencing is understandable, and it will take lot of time for you to adjust. What feelings/ thoughts you are experiencing are part of grief. Grief has 5 stages - Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance. Please, read about them in open resources for self help. But, on the other-side, I advice you to consult a psychiatrist for your suicidal thoughts. See, u must try to understand that doctors are not gods .... and we definitely cannot save everyone including our family members ( i am only telling this if you r guilty about it and it’s causing your suicidal thoughts). But , give yourself some time and face the situation by taking professional help from a psychiatrist. Becoz your life is precious and it matters, and when u r a full fledged doctor u will definitely save a lot of lives. I request you to Please consider this and seek help.

You had a bereavement and you are going through grief reaction which includes disbelief, shock, numbness, feelings of unreality, anger, feelings of guilt, sadness and tearfulness, preoccupied with deceased, disturbed sleep etc. The intensity and duration varies with each person resulting in acceptance of loss and readjustment. This might take upto 6 to12 months. How is your sleep now, mood? You are getting suicidal thoughts which are very concerning which need to be addressed immediately without any delay.

dr deepa is right

Get your self properly treated .U need to inform your all queries to your family .