Thanks for reaching out for help. I understand that you are in a confused mental state right now. Being unclear about how the past should be interpreted comes from lack of closure. Whatever happened, you need to be able to come to terms with it and push ahead with life with positive thoughts.
Next Steps
Guilt is not going to help you now. You have to start doing meaningful and productive things to stay positive and not be pulled down by what happened. You still have your life ahead of you. Please book an online consultation with me or any counselling psychologist of your choice to have a discussion on this.
Health Tips
Start your day in the morning by telling yourself that nobody is to blame for the past. It is over and you will only use the learning from it to make yourself better. Do not feel any bit of it is regretful or wasted.