Hello
You seem to be suffering from depression. Also, not being able to commit suicide is not a weakness...it is actually good that you are still going on with this condition.
You would need treatment for your depression...this condition can be treated and so do not lose hope
Marijuana would help you feel better initially but on a long term it would worsen your depression
So i strongly suggest that you should stop using that
You are in a bad state and i do understand that.. so please see a psychiatrist as soon as you can
Talk to someone and ask them to accompany you for the consultation
Next Steps
You can approach any psychiatrist close by...but do so as early as possible