Hi, I understand you are experiencing disturbing thoughts and emotions. I would suggest you to get evaluated by a psychiatrist since suicidal thoughts should not be ignored and can be a symptom of a mental health issue like depression. Help is available and please do not hesitate in seeking it nor dismiss your mental health.
Next Steps
Do consult a psychiatrist
Health Tips
Avoid being alone with such thoughts and share your concerns with someone close to have a 24*7 supervision.