It's I don't have control over my own life, like someone else is going through my life and that I'm just a marionette. I feel hopeless, guilt, and suicidal when I have good friends to support me. I have a history of substance abuse- ODing on sleeping pills or taking them on purpose when I feel like it's too much to handle life. I can still feel happy and that's what I mostly feel like but I swing from happy and euphoria and like I can take on the world to depressed quickly, and overlap too.