Hello Friend, Good that you are seeking a help here. Suggest you to consult a psychologists and discuss openly about your concern. You will be able to see a different prepective and clarity about your doubts.. Don't hold on such emotional disturbance within in you as it will affect you both physical and mental health.
Next Steps
Consult a psychologists directly or online. Feel free to reach out to me online through Practo app for further detailed evaluation and recommendation.