Dear friend, I understand your terrible pain. It's a heart-rending situation to be in. I see that you have quite an amount of motivation to overcome this situation for 'yourself' and to find a new meaning to your life. But at this situation it's quite challenging to walk through the situation alone. Although medicine helps to chemically overcome painful thoughts and feelings as long as the effect lasts, that is not the last stop but most often it becomes the first stop. With the help of the medication, when you are able to think and process the situation clearly, please consult a psychotherapist soon. I'M SURE you would be helped to a great extent.